T here are many ways to win. Some ways involve a heavy emphasis on our own wishes and a use of power, intimidation, and even force to get what we want. This approach can be described as win/lose. Our gain is at the expense of others and in order for us to win, others must lose. The classic win/lose example is in competitive sports. As teams vie to be the victors, they win by handing losses to other teams.
Everyday life is also filled with potential win/lose situations such as disagreements, misunderstandings, or when more than one person wants the same thing—whether it’s a last piece of sale clothing or to be chosen from many candidates for promotion into a single open job position. Unfortunately, such win/lose encounters can be demoralizing and damaging to relationships.
A perspective designed to avoid the pitfalls of potential win/lose situations has been described as a win/win approach. An attempt is made to satisfy the wishes of all involved, even if their views appear to be in opposition. For example, the Harvard Negotiation Project prescribes several win/win type strategies that are included in the popular book Getting to Yes.
Among other things it advocates separating the people involved from the problem, focusing on underlying concerns as opposed to stated positions, and reaching agreement based on objective criteria and fair procedures. 24
Despite the obvious advantages of win/win— multiple people enjoying the satisfaction of winning, the innovation and creativity that tends to emerge from working toward a better solution that satisfies all involved—this can be a difficult strategy to embrace. If you are the one who may not get your way, the promotion or opportunity, or the spoils of victory you worked so hard for, it is easy to fall prey to a win/lose mentality. In doing so, long-term satisfying success can be put at risk.
The experience of Alpha Fitness Center owner and personal trainer Tom Thompson provides a striking example. For several years Tom was in the commercial real estate business, brokering and managing a large number of properties. From all appearances, Tom was quite successful, even prospering, while most others were struggling badly in the face of a major recession in the industry. Thus, when Tom’s largest client explained that his organization was consolidating its management and leasing of their properties, Tom was optimistic. He fully expected that he would not only keep his current portfolio but be given responsibility for several additional properties in reward for his successful operation of their real estate. However, a few minutes into the conversation it was clear that his client was painfully struggling with telling Tom that they were terminating his contract. His portfolio was to be given to another real estate firm.
Justifiably, Tom could have been defensive, angry and hostile toward his client, “after all I’ve done for you and your organization . . . this is outrageous . . . !!!” Instead Tom interrupted his client, relieving him of his agonizing task, and asked if the relationship between the two of them was still good. The client responded by saying that it absolutely was.
Tom then explained that he was really in the relationship business rather than the real estate business and if their relationship was still good then he was satisfied. With that he walked away from a sizable and lucrative portfolio of real estate and began his bottom level entry into the fitness business (which, by the way, was Tom’s true passion).
A couple years later, when Tom’s former client needed someone to run a fitness center to enhance a new commercial property complex, he proceeded to give—not sell, but give—Tom the fitness business. All of the quality fitness equipment and the facility itself were financed by the company and Tom was simply asked to pay back a percentage of the profits from the business. More recently the client’s organization decided to give Tom yet another even nicer “state of the art” fitness center which cost upward of a million dollars to finance.
Imagine if Tom had taken a win/lose attitude about the apparent unfair loss he was handed in the highly competitive real estate industry. Had he blown up at his former client, undoubtedly that would have been the end of the story. Instead he focused on how he and his client could both win in terms of their relationship. And this win/win view in the long run helped Tom to enjoy an even more satisfying kind of career success.
When in conflict, work to satisfy the others involved as well as yourself for a better and more lasting result.
Good Morning!
